Childhood Study: The Emotions They Ignored

When I was a child, I felt a lot of anger about the behavior of my parents. They despised each other and acted their hatred out on each other and on me. The story—even if it wasn't spoken out loud, I understood it—was that if it weren't for me, they wouldn't have to be together. I spent most of my childhood in quiet sadness, fear, and anger, and unable to speak with anyone about my feelings.  My parents liked it better when I disappeared, so I seethed inside, while chaos reigned around me. I, the child, was more in control of myself than the adults around me were. The cost was that I became a self-controlled adult, dissociated from myself and my feelings. After years of self-work, I grow more in touch with myself and my feelings every day, and I have found my voice to speak about them. Anger, however—I still sometimes don't know that I feel it for days.